I've been avoiding the elephant in the room.
It's taken me forever to finally look at this but it's been nagging away at me for quite a while.
I'm fed up with how my desire to be accepted by the world has gagged me.
There is a part of me - mostly pretty well buried - that knows I was not acceptable to a culture, a community and the Catholic church. I was an abomination. An Irish bastard not to be tolerated and shipped to England before birth. Not legitimate. There must be many not acceptable children of Irish descent living in the world.
Along with many other women in this predicament who were living in an uncaring time and world, my mother must have, at the very least, endured intense pressure from her family and the nuns and priests around her.
Watching 'Philomena' Martin Sixsmiths' story with my lovely adoptive Mum a few years ago we were horrified.
I know it wasn't just the Irish mentality however I am deeply angry at the Catholic church (perhaps any church too - the hypocrisy, abuse of power and lies) for its perpetuation of these terrible acts against women and children.
I remember as a very young child being grief-stricken when hearing other children crying. Might this be due to spending the first few months of my life between living in a children's home and a hospital without any parent?
So my exploration under the heading 'In Search of The Real:...' is and has been a search to try and discover why I was born when I wasn't wanted by my people or church, what is 'The Real' in terms of Life, Spirit, Holiness, All That Is and whether The Real God rejected me too...
In Encountering Light Gonville ffrench-Beytagh talks about the disciples wanting something 'more real', that's what I'm looking for. Jesus began his prayer to "the Father of all life ..." with "the Jewish baby word Abba. Later... some religious evangelist who felt that 'Abba' was too intimate... added 'which art in heaven' in order to put God back where he belonged, 'up there'. In fact heaven is not where God is...."
The "religious evangelist" in this instance is just another example of a busybody interfering control freak, belonging to the church, changing a fundamental way of doing something to suit their own purposes and to control the masses i.e. you and me. Denying us access to who we really are. Creating a huge mess along the way and responsible for who knows how many deaths in the process.
ffrench-Beytagh goes on to define 'Abba' - "all that fatherhood might be in terms of belonging, care, strength, comfort - and that's what 'Abba' means." Notice the word 'belonging'.
It seems ironic that the images I have been working on for so long are so full of light.
ffrench-Beytagh, G.A. Encountering Light Fontana Books 1975